Living in the in-between or transition spaces of life is not always a comfortable place to be. You are aware that something is ending or changing, yet you may not be sure what is coming next. Or perhaps you can sense something new calling out to you, yet you don’t know how reach it. The process of finding your way into your next calling is different for each of us, yet it almost always involves stepping beyond your comfort zone, facing fears or uncertainties, and taking some big steps.
I’m in an in-between space now as I step out of the public life I have lived and loved for the last twenty years and follow the calling of my heart into my next chapter. Since I first sensed the beginning of this transition several years ago, words from the poet David Whyte have been a guiding light:
The only choice we have as we mature
is how we inhabit our vulnerability,
how we become larger and more courageous
and more compassionate
through our intimacy with disappearance.
At this stage of my life, vulnerability comes more easily. I become more and more comfortable every day with the idea of disappearing from the life I have lived. And somehow through my intimacy with disappearance, I feel my presence growing larger as my capacities for courage and compassion expand.
I have just returned from an 18-day retreat in Costa Rica where I divided my time between a sacred ranch and a mountaintop sanctuary, both properties of a dear friend. The retreat was for me, on many levels, a time of finding my way into my next calling. Long before my departure date, I knew intuitively that a profound inner experience was waiting for me. Towards the end of my time there, this poem emerged. My hope is that in addition to sharing something of my own story, it will inspire or awaken something in you as well for wherever you are in your life.
A Great Welcoming
It was a steep climb.
The higher we went, the
steeper the road, and the more
breathtaking the views.
I had spent the
two previous days at a
sacred ranch that hangs
on the edge of a canyon
and overlooks a
towering waterfall.
It’s a place I have visited many times—
a place where I can commune
with horses and nature,
a place where I always find
deep healing and rest.
Yet every time I visit there,
the ranch also shows me
my next growth edge
and makes clear in
no uncertain terms that
it’s time to make friends
with that edge and
embrace my next calling.
Now I was traveling to
a mystical mountaintop
sanctuary.
It would be my first visit
to this enchanted place,
yet I already sensed a
dissolving
of deeply hidden
walls within the
heart of my being,
and a great welcoming
to the next chapter of my
life.
My breath was filled with
anticipation, even as
my unsettled belly
knew instinctively that
the chapter I have been living
was closing and
the first lines of my
next chapter
were already being written.
And here I was
on the road in between.
There is something about the
combination of the canyon
and the mountaintop—
the profound sacred energy
in both places—that gently yet
powerfully encourages my
disappearance
from the public life I have
known and loved
so that I might
fully inhabit
the more contemplative life
that now calls.
As I dare to follow that calling,
I discover a deeper inner well—
a well I have sensed was there,
yet haven’t dared to taste.
To sip from this
deep well had felt like
more than I could allow;
to fill my cup from these
deep holy waters and
drink
seemed like an indulgence
way too far.
At least that’s the story
I told myself.
Yet the truth was,
it was a greater surrender—
a surrender that
I was, in fact,
ready for.
The weeks leading up to my
time here were filled with both
excitement and anxiety.
Excitement because
I love the sacred ranch—
arriving there always feels
like coming home to
the heart of my being.
And anxiety because
the heart of my being is
the place I long
to know even more intimately,
even though it’s a place
I shy away from. Because
I know that when I
allow myself to
fully surrender
to my sacred heart,
there will no place to hide.
You see, my sacred heart
has been calling me
to drink from these deeper waters,
to inhabit greater truths,
to live greater wisdom,
to embrace a more luminous love—
all so that I might
embody a more
potently still presence—
a presence that I no longer want
to shy away from—
a presence I’ve spent a lifetime
preparing for.
The sacred canyon ranch and
the mountaintop sanctuary together
are holding me in ways
I’ve never felt held before.
I spend a few days in the
powerful embrace of one, and then
when the time is right,
I move to the other. The journey
up and down the mountain
serves as a conduit of energy
and synthesis between the two.
Just like the road up the mountain,
my life has also sometimes been
a steep climb;
other times, an easier road.
I’ve endured difficult periods,
and I’ve been gifted with
breathtaking views and experiences.
I’m grateful for the
synchronicities of life
that have closed some doors and
opened others at precisely
the right moments.
Looking back, I see how
Life has always carried me,
even in the darkest times.
In the words of the poet David Whyte,
I am growing ever more
courageous and
compassionately intimate
with my gradual disappearance
from the life I have known.
As I begin taking sips
from the deep well,
I sense a great welcoming
from the heart of my being.
And I’m learning more about
surrender.
We’re always on the road
between what has been and
what will be. My job now is to be
fully present and make the most of
exactly where I am in each moment.
Today I am grateful for
so many blessings.
The inspiration and assurance of the
sacred ranch and mountaintop sanctuary
go with me as I step further
into what calls me next.
~ ~ ~
